Theory of Arguments

There is always someone trying to convince us of something. Buy this, watch this, vote this way, stop at red lights, and on and on. Other than the 1% of the time, where there is some meat on the intellectual bone, I find a need to entertain myself while the blowhard winds rush by. To fill this need in part, I developed my Theory of Arguments. Just listen for the following phrases as a helpful guide to who is winning an argument.


1. "This is America"
Long used by politicians, this stance has broadened so much that it can now be used in virtually any situation. Witness my interaction at the U-Haul when I returned a pickup truck. I walked past a long line of people waiting to rent a truck, and realizing that my truck had to be processed very likely for one of the people waiting, and not wanting to be seen as cutting the line, I was as obvious as I could be about handing the keys to the attendant and then standing to the side. One tall wiry mulletted man of indeterminate age toward the back of the line decided to "call me on it" right then & there.

"Some people think they're entitled!" he said.

I ignored him.

"Some people think they are better than everyone!" He was really warming up now.

"Y'know, this is America and in AMERICA we wait in line!"

Oooh! He did it, right there in the U-Haul. By not waiting in line I had become a Commie bastard.

2. "Think of the children"
"Think of the children" supercedes "this is America." Every country in the world has children. Even people who dislike America probably like at least some children, plus of course, we were each a child once. As good social monkeys, aren't we all supposed to "think of the children?" Remember the song how children are our future? Remember all the late night infomercials pleading for just pennies a day to give some kid with nothing but low grade mud to eat some rice or something. Cue the violins.

Politician #1: You can't keep that in the budget! These cutbacks were voted in and this is America!

Politician #2: But this money funds a shelter for homeless one-eyed kids with bowl haircuts. Think of the children!

You see my point.

3. "For the love of G-d"
Lately, "for the love of G-d" seems to trump "think of the children" and "this is America." It may just be part of the weird religiosity that seems to pervade everything these days. It might be fear of upsetting an omnipotent being. Even atheists like to hedge their bets.

Returning to the U-Haul in example #1, if I had had this Theory of Arguments in place at that time, I could have decimated Mr. Mullet.

"This is America, and in AMERICA, we wait in line!" he said.

This time, I turn to face him and say, "Hey, you know, there are kids in here!"

Mr. Mullet looks up & down the line, embarrassed to be caught setting a bad example for the youth of today. If he were a smarter guy than he looked, he might have tried to co-opt my argument:

"Those kids need to learn that we take turns in America!" he says, cleverly incorporating "think of the children" right into his "this is America" position. Since we have both stated we are, in fact, thinking of the children, he is winning based on the remaining strength of "this is America." It's time for me to pull out the big guns.

"For the love of G-d!" I sigh, combining the world-weary eye roll with the small apologetic smile to the others on line. G-d is bigger than America, bigger than all the children lumped together, and may even be watching this very argument to see who sides with Him and who is a devil worshipping fashion faux pas. Victory is mine.


Finally, if you are using my Theory of Arguments to enhance your enjoyment of the political debates, remember to give extra points if the phrases themselves are used. Most often the arguments are hinted at or skirted around, but now that you know them I am sure you will recognize them. And remember to vote (#1). You are shaping the future of our country (#2). There is no more sacred mission (#3)!