Don't egg me on

Where have I been? What on Earth is up?

Oh, my little bloggityboos, I have some tale to tell.

I was kidnapped - kidnapped! - by eggstraterrestrials. Yes!

I answered a seemingly innocuous craigslist ad... now that I think about it, perhaps it was suspicious right from the start. It included such red flag terms as "a few quick questions," "easy money," and "would you be able to come next Thursday at 6 PM?" I answered their questions-

"Sure!"
"Yes, I do most of the food shopping."
"I buy one or two cartons of eggs per month."
"OK, I'll be there."
& eggcetera.

Hindsight is too easy. In my eggcitement, I pencilled in my day planner and mapped the location of the "focus group." We met in the lobby over drinks and snacks designed to lull us into a sense of security. We discovered that we were six women and one man, all the primary food shoppers of our households, all had noticed a certain theme to the screener questions. They herded us into some sort of alien lab with a big oval table and sturdy chairs and video monitor, made us introduce ourselves to the group, and unveiled their eggstraordinarily evil plan. They want to take over the world and they want US to help them do it.

They made us talk about eggs for two hours.

Apparently, we of the focus group/alien abduction were deemed substandard egg eaters. What on long lost Earth, I thought? I buy a couple dozen eggs a month and we are only two people. That's below average? How many eggs is everyone else eating? What are they doing with all those eggs?! I was reeling from that little revelation when they explained. Some sort of egg farmers or eggracultural organization wants to get the good word out about our ovoid friends, the way the "got milk?" campaign did for milk. OK, sure. Everyone deserves a piece of the pie (quiche?), go ahead, try out your campaign ideas on me:

Did you know eggs are only 75 calories?
Eggcellent!

Did you know eggs are a perfect protein and that your body absorbs it almost entirely, leaving no waste?
Good point, but you might not want to go into it to that eggstent.

30 minutes later...

Did you know eggs are an amazing super food?
Yeah, but that's just PR from the FDA, and after they counted ketchup in my school lunch as a vegetable, I can't get eggcited about their labels.

Did you know that all that hoo ha about eggs and cholesterol is a myth? Really. Really. They are just handy dandy to eat and likely won't kill you.
Hmph. I find that rather eggregious.

30 minutes later...

Did you know an egg white has just 10 calories?
Kill me please. I no longer wish to eggsist.

Did you know eggs make a great meal any time of day?
Please... just... show me... my last precious staggering braincells... the eggsit...

My memory is hazy after that until suddenly I became conscious, alone in my car, with nothing to prove my eggsperuence by an envelope of cash and a tiny oval-shaped scar right where my fingernail lines up with my palm where they may have inserted an implant because every time I drive by IHOP I feel a meggnetic pull.