Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Flying to the snowwww in a one-horse open plaaaaaaaaaaaane

So, how was your day?

So, did you try to go through airport security at SeaTac, only to have Security Scanner Lady stop the scan and hand your Hubby's bag to an Official Bag Inspector who brought the bag in question over to Hubby, put on gloves, started swabbing said bag with a Mysterious Substance, and asked, "Do you have a knife in this bag?" Puzzled, and possibly feeling a bit vulnerable without his shoes or suspenders, Hubby said, "No? I don't think so." Official Bag Inspector told him, "I have to inspect this bag and you can't touch it while I do." Oooh kay. Then as Hubby & you looked on, the inspector pulled a bright, shiny knife out of the bag in time honored magician-rabbit-top hat fashion. Flustered, Hubby blurted, "Oh! Well, you can just throw that out." To which you had to respond, "No! That's our steak knife! From our SET of steak knives! We can't have 5 steak knives? What kind of set only has 5 steak knives?" Then, as the helpful-if-amused Bag Inspector was directing you to the Send It Home kiosk where people go to mail themselves their nail clippers, manicure scissors, home brewed explosives, and apparently, steak knives, the Bag Inspector dropped the knife on the floor so that the loud, clanging echo ensured that every person in the airport could turn and memorize your faces as That Couple Who Tried to Board With a Deadly Weapon.

So, did you, upon boarding your airplane late last night realize simultaneously that:
1. the plane was completely full
2. some woman sitting within a few seats of you had bathed in noxious perfume before setting off on her trip tonight
3. if you did not get either her or yourself a change of seats, you were going to toss your cookies in a most embarrassing and probably audible manner before the plane even took off?

Did you walk to the rear of the plane to determine that, yes, the poisonous fumes were contained to the first few rows, and ask the Helpful Steward of the Back Rows if anyone there might switch with you? Did he then direct you to Unhappy Passenger #1, who did not like his back row seat and was very glad to switch with you, so happy that his Intrepid Companion, who liked her seat just fine, was even willing to switch with Dear Hubby so that everyone can stay together? And did your Hubby then tell you that when Helpful Steward told Snarky Stewardess of the Front Rows about the change, she had whined into her walkie-talkie, "What?? Perfume? We caaaaaan't switch seats, no no no!" (Too late, Ms. Whiny Ass, and by the way, good attitude for promotion there. Did you notice those "Tell Us Your Comments" cards? I did. And also know if your can't do it attitude had caused me to stew in that perfume cloud, I would have made it a point, when the time came, to throw up all over your nifty stewardess suit.) Did you realize once you were settled again that the back row had less leg room, did not have seats that tilted back, and was right next to the bathrooms? Did you smile because this was a vast improvement over the perfume sewer of the front rows?

So, did you spend last night sitting on an airplane for so long that in an alternate universe, you are *still there*? Every two minutes the pilot swaggered out to tell the passengers, "We should hear in another two minutes." And you knew in the pit of your stomach what that meant. Yessir, over two freakin hours on the freakin plane while the freakin computers in freakin NYC were down and therefore could not give the pilot a freakin flight plan, and you all had to sit with your hands folded neatly in your laps like good little monkeys while freakin New York re-booted up the old system. The most bone chilling moment came when the pilot told us, "The computer system is down and they think they can boot up the old system. They're calling IT. IT should be there in 10 minutes..." All the hours of your life wasted on hold flashed before your eyes and you groaned inwardly thinking, "We're never getting off the ground."

So, did you fall asleep right after take off and wake up to a bright, cold morning, with just a hint of snow on the ground? So beautiful, you smiled as your father-in-law rolled your bags to his car. Just beautiful.


At December 22, 2004 at 6:37 AM, Blogger Elisson said...

Naw, we didn't do any of that stuff. That would have been fun.No, we crammed our butts into our Honda Accord and drove the 830 miles to Denton, Texas. We got to stay in the Relatively Inexpensive Hotel ("Free cockroach!"). We got to stop at various gas stations and truck stops to exchange pieces of paper for bottles of cold liquid and bags of salty snacks. We got to gnaw on Jerky de Boeuf. And we got to drive with the windows open after devouring the Plate Fulla Really Hot Chicken Wings.

At least I didn't have a knife in my bag!

At December 23, 2004 at 3:01 PM, Blogger Robin said...

Lilly, Lilly, Lilly.......Stop traveling during the holidays....lol. The only reason you put up with all the holiday travel crap is just so you can write about it and make the rest of us laugh! I would never travel during the holidays. Next year, have the family come visit YOU!

On another note, when Lillianna and I traveled to Florida a few weeks ago, she had to put Ginger, her stuffed dog, through the xray machine. She was less than thrilled about that. I had never thought of smuggling something in a stuffed toy.
I felt goofy being shoeless but it sure beats the feeling of being dead!! I was glad they checked everything.
As for smelly perfume.....I think those people should be asked to get off the flight,shower and then take another flight. That's just rude!!!!!

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